2009 was a difficult year for me. At the beginning of the year, my Papa wasn't doing well. My sister and I went to visit him during that time- turned out to be the last time that we saw him. Mid-year, I crashed on my moutain bike and broke both of my elbows. During the same week, we got the news that our Papa died. A month later I saw the japanese movie:“Departures- おくりびと, Okuribito“. My eyes got teared up during the movie.... it was all a bit too much. After I saw the movie, I kept hearing the sound track in my head and slowly the idea and the pictures of this series of photos, formed in my head. When my Mom passed away on December 22. 2015, the family was with her, this series became acute again. I added a few photos and here now is the final version.

 

 

I was in Italy at the end of August (2011)... I had been through some pretty rough times. My Mom was feeling very badly. I went down to the beach by myself after a club visit, around 1:30 a.m. I stood at this beach-bar about 10 meters away from the ocean. There were still a few lights on. The beach was totally dark and deserted. The moon was almost still full and its light threw a sort of path way of light onto the water. It was really beautiful... just the moon, the ocean, the beach and.. me. I was listing to music on my mp3 player, still hearing the waves above the music. As I was listening to the song: „who killed Mr. Moonlight“ by bauhaus, I started getting these pictures into my head. I started to dream and all I heard was the waves and- in the shadow of his smile - I felt completely empty and serene.. and I thought... wow .. another 1,5 weeks of this..

wonderful...

 

we had to leave the next day....

 

in the shadow of his smile....

 
When I was working on my last photos, I was listening to music from bauhaus. One of my favorite songs stuck in my head.. King Vulcano. Somehow I started dreaming and kept on singing to myself.... lonely people burn like candles... and slowly these pictures came into my mind.

 

 

My model was living with depressions during this time. She represents herselve and I her comfort- consolation who embraces her; protects her and takes her pain from her.

 

She saw me in a club- wearing Needles. She thought it beautiful and asked me to do it on her.
Another relationship ends… a very difficult time for me. It wasn't as much because of the person, but because of the feeling off being left again. I did stay friends with her parents though. About 4 or 5 years after it ended, I talked about it with her mother for the first time. I did the shooting to try to show her how I felt back then. This is one of the saddest shootings which I have made until now- at least to me it is. The little picture on the tripod is a portrait which she drew of herself for me.

 

While these pictures formed in my head, I had the songs: „ Do you love me (part I and II)“ from Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds playing in my head. I had an acquaintance assist me during the photos in which I bled. I positioned the camera and told her when to take the photos. I took the rest of them myself, via self-timer. Information to these photos can be found in the corresponding gallery.

 

 

Lollipop with scalpel blades

oh lolli lolli lolli

lollipop with scalpel blades

oh lolli lolli lolli

pop

...the blood is not real....

please do not imitate.